I’m not naming the subject of this interview in order to ensure her anonymity, safeguard her vital work of helping investigate terrible crimes, and to protect the people she is looking to serve. They need and deserve it.

She describes herself as a washed-up aid worker who went corporate and now helps pursue justice against some unspeakable sins. She’s beautiful, intelligent and lovely, amid the horrors of her work. 

But today, we’re here to enjoy a drink and a chat, so let’s get started with…

What has been the highpoint of your day so far?

Other than being here I went to the Lavenham Farmers Market and they had some amazing oyster mushrooms. That was a nice surprise.

She has brought me a range of goods from the market including local cheeses and honey. Perhaps my favourite thing though is her chutney – homemade with the figs she grows in her garden. The tiny seeds popping in my mouth are a texture sensation.

Where do you live right now?

Near Bury St. Edmunds in the heart of Suffolk.

Are you a dog or a cat person?

I’m a cat person. I don’t own a cat, I just borrow my neighbour’s.

If we could be having this martini together in any location in the world, just for an hour, where would you choose to take us?

That’s so difficult. 

Okay I’ll probably say Cape Town, on top of Table Mountain, but not on a windy day.

It’s got stunning views. You can see all round the bay. It says on the cable cars that it’s the top of the world which sounds very cheesy but that’s how it feels. Sometimes there’s a bit of cloud rolling over, and I’ve been up there in all weathers.

If you could re-visit a location you have been before, just like that, where would you go, and why?

It’s difficult, but if this is a teleportation scenario I would probably say Afghanistan, just because it’s so impractical to go there.

It seems too implausible that I’ll ever get to return, particularly as a woman. It’s a beautiful country and the people are lovely. The fruit is also great. The pomegranates are really great.

Actually the first time I got drunk in Afghanistan was on pomegranate juice mixed with vodka. The pomegranates are next level.

Okay let’s get dark.

You have just died and I have to read your eulogy. Describe in a word or a sentence where you would say you came from. How do you want your origins to be remembered?

That’s really tough. I’d probably just leave it to other people when I’m dead.

She laughs.

It’s someone else’s problem.

I guess I could say things like London, the Home counties, suburbia, that sort of thing. I find questions like that really difficult. I’m not a very self-reflective person, or maybe I’m not comfortable being completely open in an interview.

An easy answer is that I’m from Essex.

In more recent times Essex has developed a bit of a shit reputation. Superficial. Fake tan, fake eyelashes. I don’t like that. It’s probably why I don’t harp on about being from Essex. But the honey we’re eating today is from Essex. The county even has vineyards

I always thought Lebanon reminded me of Essex.

We laugh.

I like Lebanon. Maybe it’s because I’m from Essex.

They’re both image conscious societies, family orientated, maybe superficial, flashy, and people have very unfair biases against them. Lots of people wouldn’t associate Essex or Lebanon with vineyards either. I certainly didn’t know that Essex had them. So there we go.

My origins are originally a bit Scottish. I’m from a long line of [redacted] from the Highlands. I’ve been to the seat of my clan, famous for its oak trees.

I’m still working on the eulogy – can you please tell me, what value did you bring to the world?

Fucking hell. That’s really tough. Probably a lot of people would say “ohhh my children” but I don’t have that.

I would hope that I’ve improved the lives of people in the armed forces. I’ve put a lot of effort into tackling sexual harassment in the workplace and supporting people who complain about it. That’s my serious answer. People shouldn’t have to put up with that shit.

What do you do?

I’m a civil servant. 

What can you tell me about your life that you think would surprise people?

I’m squirming on the inside at this question. Okay I can’t ride a bike.

Please could you rate how satisfied you have been with your life so far as a percentage – with zero being horrifically unsatisfied and 100 being almost impossibly satisfied with how things have gone for you so far?

70%

Why?

I think professionally and life-wise I’m quite satisfied. I’d maybe still like to meet somebody and have a family, so I’m not fully satisfied, but I’m happy.

When were you happiest in your life?

Can I say “two martinis in”?

I feel like I’m being evasive.

There are moments, maybe a holiday or a good round of golf. I was really happy at university. I really enjoyed studying in St. Andrews. I played a lot of sport and it was generally a beautiful time.

When were you saddest in your life?

That’s another very reflective question. I don’t know if I want to share that.

Maybe when I left Afghanistan. There was a sense of sadness. It was such a beautiful place and it felt like all the work you were doing to support people was just switched off as you flew out. I think that’s quite common for people who work in development.

Emotionally how do you feel about Afghanistan today?

Very mixed feelings. Obviously.

I have fond memories but it’s a bad situation today. I’m very angry about what has happened. Luckily a lot of people I knew were able to leave. But the country today is massively suffering.

What brings you happiness every day?

My garden. I was very much a COVID gardener and I’m really enjoying having a bigger space to garden in.

We joke about lockdown. Having been in Baghdad and Kabul during bouts of heavy violence we both know what it’s like having to stay in a house for long periods of time.

I think gardening is a very hopeful activity. You put something in the ground and hope it develops, then you declare war on the slugs. It’s nice to get out of bed in the morning and see what’s growing.

If you could change one thing in your life, what would you choose?

Be better at parking. I’m terrible at reverse parking. It’s a huge turn-on when I see someone who can parallel park.

If you had to write a non-fiction book what subject would you write about? If you want a year off to study and research it I’ll give you that too.

I studied medieval history at university and there’s something very comforting about looking back at the 13th or 14th centuries and writing about lives, particularly the under-told stories of women from that time. I could go to some lovely medieval libraries around the world and just hash it out.

If you went back in time to your five-year-old self, what would you tell them that would make them happy about you today? It’s another self reflective question in disguise. I’m sorry.

I wish I was better at these. I honestly don’t know. 

I could go back and say “don’t worry you’re going to have a good job and all that” but I don’t think a five year old gives a shit about all that.

One day you’ll have a friend with a big boat and that’s lots of fun. We had a trip last year and it was great.

A cliche question from me, but what are your favourite three films?

My childhood favourite was Weekend at Bernie’s. The guy dies and they have to pretend he’s alive for the whole weekend. It’s classic 80s film territory. It’s terrible but I loved it.

Then I would pick the Persuasion version with Rupert Penry-Jones. It’s my favourite Jane Austen story.

She wrote it when she was more mature and I just really like it. I recommend reading it as well as watching the film.

I could say Braveheart just to gaslight you. (I hate Braveheart)

I have very bad taste in movies.

We decided not to pick a third. Instead she told me about Afghanistan movie night.

My colleagues had to put me through movie remediation so I was introduced to things that I hadn’t seen before.

I watched a lot of movies in the 80s with my Mum but she would pause and forward wind it during the sex scenes so I didn’t see everything that happened in things like Ghost or Dirty Dancing.

I’ve not actually seen them so maybe I need movie remediation in Afghanistan.

Otherwise I missed out on a lot of movies that people seem to know.

What’s your favourite restaurant?

The Fat Butcher in Stellenbosch in South Africa. I don’t think you’d find a better steak in the world. If someone says “the best steak is in Argentina” I’d say “fight me”.

I notice that they serve a classic martini for 70 Rand, so I’m looking into flights as we speak.

You can’t beat a good Scottish seafood restaurant either but I couldn’t pick one.

She gives a shout out to the avocado sashimi I served on the side.

What’s your favourite martini bar, or favourite bar that you might like to have a martini in?

Kerridges in the Corinthia.

Tom Kerridge and Salvatore Calabrese make one hell of a combination – I’ll be visiting soon!

What music do you think goes well with a martini? It can be a song or two, or a genre, or anything.

We’re enjoying Caro emerald. You could also try Postmodern Jukebox.

I’ve added both to the Martini Interview playlist on Spotify.

What are your thoughts on martinis in general? We’re on our second classic.

They’re sliding down. Very nice. I could be more adventurous.

I disagree. I love a classic.

We used to drink French martinis and they have a nice foamy head. I don’t think they are classic martinis but maybe you should come to Suffolk to a bar I know and you can find out about all the local intrigue.

Otherwise they’re a timeless thing. It feels chic to go to a bar and order a martini.

I like when you’re travelling and there’s a bar where you can sit and talk to people.

Have you been to New York?

I went once with my Mum but I was horrifically jet lagged as I’d gone straight from Kabul so I’d like to go back again and have some fun.

Is there anything else you think about martinis?

I like that the glass makes you hold it in a specific way. I like glassware.

I don’t regret not picking any of the other variations on offer either. I maybe would’ve considered a Vesper. I’m not a pickle person and I’m not sure how I feel about brine so I don’t think I would’ve picked a Dirty or a Gibson.

We have a laugh about the Winston Churchill martini, as well as his medical prescription for alcohol during his American visits in prohibition, but I also press her on pickle opinion.

You say you’re not a pickle person but this chutney you’ve made is divine. Please tell me more?

Actually the best chutney I ever made was in Kabul. It was cherry. The hardest part was de-stoning the cherries but they tasted amazing. It was something one of my colleagues asked for when I left.

Could we combine the chutney with a martini? It’s pickle based so I think it might work.

If you shook it with the last of the chutney in the jar and strained it, you would get the flavour without the texture which might work.

An experiment for the future. I’ll use her delicious fig chutney for sure.

Otherwise, thank you for everything and good luck with the rest of your incredibly important work!