A man walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The joke is when they don’t understand the request.

There are horror stories. Watery gin. Spoilt vermouth. Room temperature spirits. It’s easy to make a bad martini.

But if you order a martini and the bartender asks some of the following questions, you’re almost certainly going to be in safe hands.

Somehow, it can feel even worse when a bar tender may try and go through the motions of making a martini without actually understanding the whole sum of the experience and the key roles of the ingredients, glassware, temperature and ceremony.

Sometimes I’ve asked for a martini and the resultant response, or hesitation or confusion from the bartender has swiftly prompted me to change my mind to a lager, or Guinness or a gin and tonic.

But there is a hallmark that you are in safe hands that brings instant relief to me when I order.

I call it the reassuring questions™.

Here is what they usually entail:

“Would you like gin or vodka?”

This is often one of the first questions if a martini isn’t specified on the menu. Even though I am usually happy to go with the house recommendation, it means that they are both service-orientated and aware of the spiritual differences.

I prefer a venue where their house spirit is kept in the freezer (as is the DUKES style), which by nature usually limits the choices available for a really cold martini. However, if they don’t (which is pretty normal) a willingness to servw up your preference of either gin or vodka is always a nice touch.

“Shaken or stirred?”

As I said, I prefer the DUKES method of keeping the gin and glasses in the freezer rather than shaking OR stirring. As such, this question provides 80% reassurance and 20% disappointment. Nonetheless it relays the critical information that the temperature is important to this bartender. If pushed, I prefer it stirred to shaken, but the question means that you have an option to choose, and that they have ice and equipment.

“Sweet or Dry?”

This is a great question. So many people think that a martini must be dry, but when it comes to the silver bullet, everyone is entitled to their own preference.

Martinis would be significantly more popular around the world if people realised it was perfectly acceptable to enjoy them sweet.

Dispel the myths! Try it sweet (or wet), experiment with a Perfect Martini (a specific recipe) or try it Upside Down! They don’t all need to be Bone Dry, even though this is to many people’s preference.

A bartender who is open to serving a martini sweet is one who understands that the drink is a deeply personal affair and is not swept along with a pretentious notion that has sadly lingered for decades.

“Clean or Dirty?”

This question reveals the presence of olive brine and once again, implies that the bartender understands the importance of personal preference to a martini.

Furthermore, if you are in any doubt over the temperature or quality of the drink the brine can help mask any unpleasantness.

“Olive or twist?”

This, or the variation “lemon or olive” is probably my favourite question of all. It means that they really know martinis and that they’re ready to offer me a difference in garnish. Bravo.

All in all

Martinis aren’t everything.

It sounds sacrilegious for this website, I know, but not being able to enjoy a cold, well-made martini really is a first world problem. If you can’t get one, there are other things available.

And you can always make them at home.

Nonetheless, if you really have your mind on a martini and you go into a bar to ask for one, it really is a huge sigh of relief to be asked any of these wonderful, reassuring questions by the bartender.

Thank you to the service-orientated warriors of the industry!