Warning: contains spoilers

Upon discovering that the Netflix series Kaos had been cancelled I decided to commemorate the main characters of the show with a call out to their martini preferences. This is obviously based entirely on made-up opinions, much like the decision not to commission a second series. Ouch.

The Olympians seem to drink a lot of Meander water and Negronis but I saw at least one martini so they’re definitely not completely bereft.

So here is how I think the different characters would prefer their elixirs:

What Martini Would Cassandra Drink?

I’m starting here because she’s got a prophecy to share before anyone starts drinking. She’s not having a martini. She knows how it’s going to end up. She’s sticking to water. She’s warning everyone else not to break the two martini rule but everyone’s obviously going to ignore her.

However, if you were really going to press me, I think Billie Piper would suit a Gypsy Martini, which is like a dry classic, but garnished with a sweet Maraschino cherry. It can be daunting and a little scary at first but it’s sweet in the end.

What Martini Would Zeus Drink?

Big Zaddy goes classic. He wants it DUKES style in a gold-fringed V-shaped glass with Greek key and the letter Z emblazoned on the base. He claps his hands and summons up Alessandro Palazzi from St James’ to pour it from a golden trolley. He wants it garnished with Amalfi lemon peel and he wants the ball boys to serve up an assortment of the best olives, figs and cured meat on the side then get the fuck out of sight so he can sit and enjoy his elixir of quietude watching a soothing cataclysm roll out below the sunset.

What Martini Would Hera Drink?

I was toying with the idea that the queen of the gods would like her martini bone dry but actually I think she would go full Churchill. Very cold, neat gin in a frozen glass, garnished with black kalamata olives.

She also likes her toast so if she was ever craving something a little sweeter, maybe after a particularly juicy set of updates from the Tacitas, she might treat herself to a Breakfast Martini. While Zeus may summon Alessandro, she’s got Salvatore on speed dial.

Given Hera’s connection to apples, such as the apple of discord that Eris chucked into the party like a social hand-grenade (not covered in the Netflix series but a joyously petty tale of epic proportions), I could suggest an Apple Martini for big Queenie but all I can see is Janet McTeer giving me a terrifying stare with a raised eyebrow, asking “really?” in the same withering way she did in the Honourable Woman when she found out that the Met Police were handling a complex case involving Israeli-Palestinian intrigue. Let’s skip that suggestion before I get turned into a bee.

What Martini Would Dionysus Drink?

Dionysus would break the two martini rule – and he’d be fine because immortals don’t get hangovers. He would probably try as many different martini variations as he could because he is the god of pleasure. You see him in the show drinking a classic or possibly a dirty martini garnished with three olives (courtesy of the Fates) but that’s when he’s having a decidedly down moment.

The colourful character might like a playful Gimlet because it’s classic but fruity, gender-fluid and just a little bit left-field.

Ultimately though, if he had to choose he would probably go for a Vesper Martini because it means he can go both ways when it comes to choosing gin or vodka, but still appear classical (or at least classical enough to look like a grownup and earn his rightful place on Mount Olympus).

What Martini Would Prometheus Drink?

I could be cruel and suggest the Upside Down Martini to mirror his position hanging off the cliff, or maybe the Beet Up Gibson where the red could evoke his pecked out liver but really, he’s got to have the Hot Martini. Why? Because you set it on fire – the very thing that got him into his predicament. Enjoy!

What Martini Would Poseidon Drink?

It’s obviously going to be a fishy one. I’m going to suggest the Oyster Martini, maybe with a splash of seaweed hot sauce. He’s got staff to shuck the oysters and he’s going to like the fact that it’s made with true brine from the ocean, not olive brine from a jar.

But wait! What about a Filthy Martini, made with a pickled caperberry? It’s decidedly land-based, but this might be his favourite aperitif. Why? Because it goes amazingly with fried seafood, specifically fritto misto. Pozzy D, I think you’d approve.

What Martini would Hades drink?

He might like a Squid Ink Martini because it’s black and scary but honestly, that might be a bit cliché (and it might be better suited to Charon and his Scylla). And anyway, I think he’s actually all about purity not blackness. Death is a terrifying form of pure completion and the only thing left behind is bones. Which are white. So I actually think the big H Bomb could be a Gibson man.

There’s no squeezing of bright lemon peel or faffing about with olives on a skewer. You simply drop a single, almost ceremonial white orb of pickled allium into your glass. The pickle has the shelf life to survive at least the six months when his wife is away. Plus David Thewlis’ lovely accent has pickled onion written all over it. Yes I’m calling it. The Hades of Thewlis likes a Gibson.

What Martini Would Eurydice and Caeneus Drink?

I’m putting these two together because they would both be drinking Dirty Martinis. It’s mostly because it’s salty, and despite that being one of the more depressing aspects of life in the underworld I think they would both still associate the taste of salt with one another as a happy memory.

There is a scale of dirtyness based on how much brine you add to the drink, and I think Eurydice would be fairly low brine and subtle, but Caeneus who has shed or internalised many a tear in his struggle would go for a much saltier, maybe even maritime level of brine, for old times’ sake.

What Martini Would Orpheus Drink?

I’m giving Orpheus the Dirty Martini as well. He’s a rock star and he thinks it’s a rock star drink. And then he realises it’s Eurydice’s favourite drink too and that they must have so much in common but really she likes it for a completely different reason to him and now it’s all awkward. But the drinks are good.

What Martini with Ariadne Drink?

For Ariadne, I offer a Perfect Martini in tribute. Not only is she perfection herself, but a Perfect Martini involves equal amounts of sweet and dry vermouth, which I think represents the sweetness and stoicism of her character, whilst also symbolising the balance she shows as a leader. Or at least she would show if she was given the grace of a second series.

What Martini Would the Furies Drink?

They could potentially go for a classic Montgomery Martini with a 15:1 gin-to-vermouth ratio because, like the general, they are coming to vanquish the enemy. But really, there’s only one martini variation that suits the Furies. It’s obviously the Spicy Martini.

A Classic Martini is deadly enough but this one is turbocharged with a blast of hot sauce to taste (and they like it hot). Garnish it with a fresh red chilli or some jalapeño slices. It might come back to haunt you.

What Martini Would the Fates Drink?

Classic but titillating, I’m giving the Fates a trio of Hot ‘n’ Dirty Martinis. They’re salty, they’re spicy and they’re coquettish. This it the drink they would enjoy in the Cave with a side-serve of knitting. Don’t tempt them!

What Martini Would Medusa Drink?

I think we’ve all got a soft spot for Medusa’s depiction in this show and I’m going to give her the Lemon Drop Martini. It’s acidic but it’s also bright and sweet. I think millennia of being misconstrued, unfairly disliked and hunted down, then being condemned to an underworld of limited sensations makes me think that this sassy New Yorker with her crowning glory needs a thoroughly zingy pick-me-up when she’s finally set free.

Breaking news: I woke up in a cold sweat and worried I’d angered the gods with this one. Medusa could potentially turn me to stone if she disapproved of a lemon drop (and if we were theoretically back in the land of the living) so I would hastily offer her a choice of something more classical but still hopefully on brand as well, like a Martini on the Rocks or the “stone” cold Classic Martini with a twist of lemon – obviously done in the DUKES style for our girl.

What Martini Would Persephone Drink?

Something with pomegranate would be too obvious – and frankly disappointing. She’s so bored of that story that keeps getting misinterpreted anyway. They probably bring back bad memories – mostly of how everyone has unfairly labelled her as the weak one in the narrative. I love how that was tackled in the show.

I don’t see her as going for a Classic Martini just because they do it up on Mount Olympus. That doesn’t sway her choices. This Goddess has agency.

Part of me thinks she’d have a Porn Star Martini when she’s up in the land of the living just because she can BUT she’s going to be up there with mummy Demeter so at the very least she’d call it a passion fruit martini, but honestly I think she’d actually go for an Espresso Martini because it’s dark like home but it’s going to give her the boost to get back to life again and head off to another concert.

She’s had a long six months working hard in the underworld so she needs something that’s going to wake her up and fuck her up. A serving of brie on the side please.

So that’s my take. I’m very sad the show isn’t being extended but a blessed Olympia to you all.

Don’t get mortal!